Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You Might Also Like
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.