Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
that lip filler tho
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”