Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.