If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
can’t bark with your mouth full
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working