“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My inexpensive home security system…
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.