Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.