These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film