[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I was bored.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.