Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Awesome parenting 😂
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.