I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg