Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You Might Also Like
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
#ProTip
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Haha! 😂
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I’m giving up for Lent.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.