*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
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“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.