Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.