“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
You Might Also Like
Wise advice
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?