customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”