*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf