It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.