They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
You Might Also Like
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Jesus Christ lmao
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED