Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
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thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
He a real one for that
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know