I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date