Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You Might Also Like
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.