Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me