*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
no such thing as a dumb question
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever