This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
This is amazing.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”