Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
A French press is when you hug naked
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?