If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.