I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Who chose this font
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?