5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95