[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Oh hi lol
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge