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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”