calling in to work dehydrated
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
couldn’t resist
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Support your local cemetery
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?