Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I found your tweet-up…
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in