To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“you recording!?”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.