A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I mean…but I did
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I hope this email finds you in a well
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one