My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.