If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken