me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry