Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore