Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Easy enough.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.