day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter