SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her