Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Respect
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
black phone good
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
A collection of me turning into random objects.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.