Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston