Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines