If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”