°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
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Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
early stone age tool
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.