Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.