Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.