“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what