My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’d hang this in my house.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.